Too Afraid to Say

So many words I lose in the day,

Fumbling with not enough nerve to say

Anything that means anything at all,

Because I’m so high up that I’m afraid to fall.

But I can’t keep all of these things inside,

Pouring over and pulling my stomach like goddamn a riptide.

Sometimes when I’m alone,

I drive down the road to your home,

And just pass you by,

Feeling my empty, youless side.

Sometimes I wake up panicked,

Heart pounding, breathing frantic,

And I don’t know why or what to do,

But I always think and wish for you.

And I know you know that I love you,

And I know that you love me too,

But I’m terrified that I might love you too much,

That you might pull away in fear of my touch,

I’m too afraid that you might pull away,

If you heard all the things I’m too afraid to say.

When I sit beside you in the early mornings,

It doesn’t matter to me if a smile is adorning your lips,

Or if a dress is draping from your shoulders round your hips.

Even when you frown,

I feel fucking drowned

In your presence and loving light,

And I can’t believe you’re a part of my life.

Thinking about being with you, I feel my knees grow weak and my stomach turning,

But then when I’m with you, I feel my heart open and my life stop hurting.

And the other day when you asked me

For my favorite “hot” celebrity,

My mind went blank.

My mind went blank.

I scrambled for the names,

I’d heard when else I’d played this game,

But it was lies,

Because they’re all nothing in my eyes.

It’s true.

I see only you.

Their beauty isn’t real,

But your love I can feel,

It’s in my heart.

It’s in my heart.

And I know you know that I love you,

And I know that you love me too,

But I’m terrified I love you too much,

That you’ll push away my touch,

I’m too afraid you’ll pull away,

At all the things I’m too afraid to say.

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