Here Goes, I Guess

I feel like I’m dying outside. I feel like my limbs are withering away and my voice is drowning out in the white noise of everyone else’s lives. Other people’s opinions didn’t used to matter to me. I used to want approval before then, but I learned in that quiet state of isolation that a man’s measure is not by the appraisal of those around him. In this new solitude, however, I have learned I was wrong. Because I knew what it was like to be loved by someone. I knew what it was like to have someone. And now that it’s gone, I couldn’t scrape two fucks together for anything else. All I want is human connection.

But whenever the fuck I bring it up to anyone I even give a damn about, what do I hear? Nothing. Absolute fucking silence. It’s like, all of a sudden, they don’t want to know me anymore. I used to be the darkly humorous guy you could laugh with in the corner when life got too real. I used to be the guy you knew gave more of a shit than anyone else, and that was why he looked unphased: you knew he was just dealing with it and getting by, just like you. But now, now that I’m not acting like some distant observer but an actual human being with real thoughts and feelings, you leave me alone.

I’m almost tempted to say, “Fine. You want me to wander off and die alone, I will. What the hell will you care? As if you know what you’re missing. As if you’re missing anything.” Shit, I even just said it. But at least I know it’s crazy. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s fucking not. That’s what I’m sick of: Not knowing if I’m crazy or not. But I’m not crazy. Wanting human connection isn’t crazy. Wanting to love someone isn’t crazy. Shit, wanting to die instead of being alone isn’t even crazy. But I guess that doesn’t really make me not crazy, because we live in an insane fucking world. Because we live in a world that says, “You shouldn’t feel like shit when you’re alone, that’s too dependent. You shouldn’t need human connection, that’s weak. You shouldn’t want to die, that’s unhealthy.” And at the end of the fucking day, what is it really telling us? “You shouldn’t want to be happy, that’s childish.”

Well, no fucking wonder I’ve lost my mind. No one with a mind can live in a world like this. You better drop it at the door when you come in if you want to remember where it is. Rather than try to keep it with you, like I tried.

We’ve created these “societies” and “civilizations” that cramp us all together into boxes but push us so far away from each other that even the most familiar faces to us belong to total strangers. And in such close quarters, we’re forced to witness the worst and most depraved of human behaviors only to turn a blind eye because it’s too much to bear, only to ignore it all because we’ve learned to accept it as “just human nature.” “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.” It’s the sacrifice we make for the miracles of modern industry and medicine! Well, excuse me for being a backward savage with no clue how the world works, but who ever asked to shoot over 10 miles in 10 minutes? I sure as hell didn’t. Who ever asked to live forever? I sure as hell didn’t. Who asked to know more than all we needed to survive? I sure as hell didn’t. Who asked for anything more than a chance and a hole in the ground when luck and skill run dry after two decades? I sure as hell didn’t.

And I know it seems like the most this piddling declaration of society’s absurdity deserves in response is a rousing, “Stop blaming your problems on everyone else. Get over it.” But that’s the problem: this whole way of living to death has become so ingrained in us as a people that we think it’s normal and that anyone who takes issue with it is the real problem.

The truly insane think everyone else is crazy when they are forced to confront their delusions. I’m afraid that most of the world is insane, and when the few sane people who are left try to call it out, they get labeled as insane for disagreeing.

To be honest, I don’t really know what this is. It’s just what I think, I guess. So here it is. Here goes, I guess.

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